Thursday, November 16, 2006

BUY KINGDOM COME AND GET A FREE FUCKING TOTE BAG!






































TO: JAY
FROM: THE GUY WHO ACTUALLY SAID TO HIMSELF, "534 IS KINDA GOOD!" AND THEN ALMOST THREW UP IN HIS OWN MOUTH
RE: GOOD CREDIT AND SUCH

SO LET ME SET THE SCENE, BROSEPH. CUZ I THINK I FIGURED OUT WHY YOUR ALBUM IS SO DISTINGUISHED FUCKING GREY WITH A SODA ON THE SIDE.
SO YOU'RE IN BED WITH B. SHE'S IN AN AMBIEN COMA HUMMING SONGS FROM YENTL AS SHE DREAMS ABOUT UNICORNS AND SHIT.
WHICH IS GOOD, BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T BUDGE WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN A STATE OF UNHINGED TERROR, SHAKING AND SWEATING.
YOU THROW ON THE SLIPPERS AND GO TO THE KITCHEN, SCROLL THROUGH THE CRACKBERRY. RICHARD JEFFERSON WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU STILL MIGHT BE ABLE TO PUT A 16 ON HIS DEMO. GOTTA REMEMBER TO IGNORE HIM NEXT TIME YOU GO TO THE MEADOWLANDS. AND THEN THERE'S ONE FROM REDMAN. HE SAYS HE'S GOING TO KILL YOU.
YOU GRAB A YOPLAIT AND GET COMFY ON THE OTTOMAN. YOU'RE TRYING TO PARSE THE NIGHTMARE YOU JUST HAD. IT'S THE ONE THAT HAS BEEN HAUNTING YOU SINCE YOU RETIRED. FOR A SECOND YOU GET DISTRACTED, WONDERING IF YOU SHOULD GO TO THERAPY. IF THERAPY IS GROWN AND SEXY. BUT YOU DON'T NEED LORRAINE BRACCO. THE DREAM IS SIMPLE. IT BETRAYS YOUR GREATEST, DEEPEST FEAR.
IN YOUR DREAM, YOU ARE NAS.
YOU PUT OUT ALBUMS AND NOBODY CARES. YOU START BEEF AND NOBODY GIVES A SHIT. SIRIUS DOESN'T GET BACK TO YOU ABOUT HAVING YOUR OWN SHOW. YOU CALL NEW ALBUMS SHIT LIKE, STILL PLENTY OF REASON TO DOUBT. DJ DRAMA TELLS YOU HE'S "CRAZY BUSY." YOU DON'T OWN SUMMER.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHY YOU ARE PUTTING THIS SHIT OUT, RIGHT? IT'S NOT REALLY SOME FUCKING TAX BREAK FOR ISLAND. IOVINE ISN'T PAYING YOU TO COCK-BLOCK JEEZY. AND IT SURE AIN'T BECAUSE YOU HAVE A LOT ON YOUR MIND.
THE REAL REASON YOU COPPED HALF-A-DOZEN DRE BEATS THAT COULDN'T MAKE IT ON TO AN EVE ALBUM IS THAT YOU COULD NEVER ACCEPT THE IDEA OF NORMAL. THAT YOU WOULD PUT OUT AN ALBUM AND CATS WOULD BE LIKE, "COOL, BUT I HAVEN'T LIKED HIS LAST 4 ALBUMS THAT MUCH. I'LL RAPIDSHARE THAT MOTHERFUCKER."
YOU HAD TO DO A DOUBLE CD, FOLLOWED BY YOUR LAST ALBUM, FOLLOWED BY YOUR COMEBACK. JUST LIKE YOU HAD TO DO A FINAL SHOW, FOLLOWED BY A REASONABLE DOUBT SHOW, FOLLOWED BY THE I-DECLARE-PEACE SHIT.
SO WHAT'S NEXT? DEATH? IT'S COOL. IT WAS ALL A DREAM.

3 comments:

julianne said...

this is starting to depress me

Anonymous said...

is typing in all caps the equivalent of screaming?

your rant makes you seem like somewhat of a hater

matt bird said...

classic cut