EVEN THE COPS IN THE PLAIN CLOTHES SAID I CRUSHED IT

TO: SPANISH JOSE INTRODUCED YOU TO CAINE
FROM: NEVER DID NOTHING TO NOBODY BUT THOSE BOYS SHOT HIM
RE: USED CARS
























"I'm trying to see that Slum Village Dodge paper, Son! Get Low!"


BROTHERMAN, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW OLD THIS SHIT IS. BLEEK, MOP, FREE, PEEDI, AND YOUNG FUCKING CHRIS ("SIGNED FOR THE LAST THREE SUMMERS AND STILL BROKE BITCH"- 2004). WITH THAT SQUAD IT COULD BE ANYTIME THIS FUCKING DECADE RIGHT? I MEAN IF THIS SHIT WAS HIGH SCHOOL AND YOU SAW THAT CREW SITTING AT A TABLE IN CAFETERIA, YOU'D PROBABLY STARE DOWN AT YOUR JELLO AND WALK ON BY, ACTING LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR OLD RUNNING MATES, LEAVING THEM BEHIND TO TAKE SHOP CLASS WHILE YOU AND B. CHAIR THE PROM COMMITTEE.

OR WHATEVER.

OK. THERE'S A LINE IN THERE WHERE BLEEK IS FLOSSING ABOUT SITTING IN AN '04 COUPE WITH NO ROOF. A THREE YEAR OLD WHIP. 2004.

I ROLLED BY BASSLINE TO CHECK THE BIRFDAY OF THESE TAPES, OF THIS MONSTER MEETING OF THE RHYMES. I CAUGHT THE FOLLOWING EXCHANGE:

BLEEK: BROWWWWWWNSVILLE! WHAT'S UP, FAM! IT'S BEEN TOO LONG!

DANZE: UH-HUH.

FAME: [stares beams of pure white hot hatred]

BLEEK: WE GONNA MURDER THIS SHIT! I GOT THIS RHYME, DOG. LEMME JUST GIVE YOU AN APPETIZER, "I GOT THE '08 COUPE WITH NO ROOF!"


DANZE: HOW YOU GONNA HAVE AN '08 COUPE, DIPSHIT?

FAME: YEAH, DR. WHO. HOW'S THE FUCKING FUTURE LOOKING? WE GOT AN ALBUM OUT YET?

BLEEK: I DON'T KNOW MY DAMN SELF! HOV BROKE ME OFF WITH ONE. IT STILL HAS THAT NEW CAR SMELL.

DANZE: HOV, HUH? YOU STILL CARRY THAT D-BAG'S MAN PURSE?

BLEEK: HE'S MY BENEFACTOR!

DANZE: YOU KNOW HOW THAT SHIT PLAYED OUT FOR US RIGHT?

BLEEK: THAT WASN'T A GOOD LOOK, MAN.

DANZE: IT WASN'T EVEN A GLIMPSE.

BLEEK: WORD.

FAME: WHAT?!

BLEEK: NO! I'M AGREEING! I AGREE!

DANZE: SO LOOKA HERE, COUSIN. YOU EVER HEARD OF REPARATIONS?

BLEEK: YEAH! KIND OF! WELL, I WENT BY RUSSELL SIMMONS' THE OTHER WEEK TO PICK UP SOME BOOK FOR PRESIDENT CARTER -- SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE? OR DEFECTIVE PEOPLE? ONE OR THE OTHER...

FAME: YOU GET 20 MORE SECONDS TO SPEAK THEN I'M GOING TO TEAR YOUR SPINE OUT YOUR BACK LIKE PREDATOR DID THAT INDIAN DUDE.

BLEEK: WELL, HE WAS LIKE, "REPARATIONSREPARATIONS." I WAS THINKING OF THEM BARS THOUGH! NAHMEAN!? SO I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT HE WAS ON ABOUT.

DANZE: WELL, M. EASY. WE DIDN'T GET SHIT FROM THE ROC. THE ROC FUCKED US UP. NOW I'M AT FUCKING CRUNCH 4 DAYS A WEEK EATING BAKED CHICKEN FOR DINNER BECAUSE CURTIS IS TRYING TO MAKE US CUT.

FAME: BAKED CHICKEN.

DANZE: SO WE GONNA TAKE SOMETHING BACK TODAY. WE TRIED TO
HOLLER AT DAME, BUT HE'S IN THAT SHOE MONEY BIZ NOW. WE TRIED TO HOLLER AT YOUR MAN, BUT HE DOESN'T CALL US BACK. FAME EVEN WROTE HIM A LETTER LAST TIME HE WAS IN THE TOMBS.

FAME: PASSES THE TIME.

DANZE: BUT YOU'RE THE CLOSEST THING WE'VE GOT TO JAY. AND YOU'RE THE CLOSEST THING WE'VE GOT TO PAYBACK.SO HOW BOUT YOU RUN THAT '08 COUPE YOU GOT.

BLEEK: HA! WHAT?

FAME: 7,6,5...
[keys nervously thrown onto mixing board, perspiration, etc]

DANZE: AND YOU'RE GONNA PART WITH THAT PINK SLIP.

FAME: I AIN'T TRYING TO GET PULLED OVER ON THE BQE WITH NO PINK SLIP.

BLEEK: IT'S IN THE GLOVE. FUCK.

DANZE: WHAT?

BLEEK: FUCK AM I GONNA RHYME ABOUT NOW? THAT WAS MY FUCKING HOMERUN LINE RIGHT THERE. THE '08 COUPE!

DANZE: YOU GOT ANOTHER WHIP?

BLEEK: PIECE OF SHIT BEATER FROM '04 THAT I LET GEDDA K PUSH.

DANZE: WELL, COUPE AND ROOF KIND OF RHYME, WHETHER IT'S AN '04 OR AN '08.

BLEEK: OH SHIT!

DANZE: YEAH, YOU CAN HOLD THAT ONE.

BLEEK: SALUTE, MY DOG! LET'S SMOKE THIS DRO AND MAKE ANOTHER CLASSIC!

FAME: DANZE, THAT MEAN RED LIGHT?

DANZE: YEAH, DUKE. RED LIGHT. NO SPINE JACKING.

FAME: [sighs]

DANZE: YEAH, WE GONNA MAKE THIS SHIT POP. BUT, UM, I THINK PEEDI AND CHRIS WANNA HOLLER FIRST.

I DON'T EVEN LIKE TO RHYME, LOVE

"I AM NOT A RAPPER"






















"I AM NOT THE MANAGER OF A SUNGLASSES HUT"


























"I AM NOT LIL' WAYNE'S GHOSTWRITER"


TO: SEPARATING FATHERS FROM THEIR DAUGHTERS
FROM: A CROOK LIKE YOU
RE: MONSTER DOT COM

SHIT, B. I'VE BEEN TRUANT LIKE DMX AT FUCKING TRAFFIC SCHOOL. IT BEING THE FIRST QUARTER AND ALL, REFLECTION IS ON THE MENU FOR ME. I'M SURE IT IS FOR YOU AS WELL, AS YOU NO DOUBT AWAIT KANYE'S DELIVERY OF WHITE JAWNS IN THE GRAD SCHOOL LOUNGE TO GET YOU THROUGH THE FISCAL YEAR. THERE'S A WAR GOING ON OUTSIDE, MAN. I WOULD BE HANGING OUT WITH NICK CANNON TOO! YOU NEED SOME FUCKING SUNSHINE IN YOUR LIFE.

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE FIRST STORY I EVER DID AS A CUB RAP CRITIC. THE FIRST TIME I EVER TALKED ABOUT SOMETHING THAT SOMEONE ELSE LIVED.

THERE I WAS TAPE RECORDER IN HAND, OFF TO MEET CORMEGA AT HIS VIDEO SHOOT. NOW, AS A BIT OF BACKSTORY LEMME JUST THROW THIS OUT THERE: I FUCKING LOVE MEGA MONTANA. UPTOWN NIKES. THUGGED OUT AND ICY. MAD DEEP.

THIS WAS 2000. RIGHT WHEN THE GOD'S DOLO SLAB DROPPED. RIGHT WHEN DUDES WERE LIKE, 'YOU AIN'T HEARD THE TESTAMENT!? STOP FUCKING SPEAKING TO ME!" I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BE UP IN THE QB CHINESE SPOT (THE ONE WHERE BLIND DUDE FROM SCREWBALL WORKS). BUT WE WERE ON SOME UP IS DOWN, BLACK IS WHITE SHIT. SO IN PLACE OF THE HOOD WE WOUND UP ON KENT AVENUE IN WILLIAMSBURG. AND IN PLACE OF AN ARMADA OF HARD-BODIED VALHALLA-VISITING-RACKETEERING-ASS-GANGSTERS, MEGA HAD A FEW OF HIS COUSINS. IT WAS TRILL.

SO THINGS ARE GOING WELL. ME AND MEGA ARE CHOPPING UP SOME SERIOUS SHIT:

"NAS AIN'T SHIT"
"I'VE BEEN TELLING PEOPLE THAT!"

THERE WAS A BREAK AT SOME POINT. THE PRODUCTION TEAM (BASICALLY A NYU DROP-OUT AND SOME BUBBLES-LOOKING DUDE) WERE DOING SOME MAINTENANCE ON THE ARMADA OF EVER PRESENT RYDE OR DIE MACHINERY (BASICALLY ONE ATV WITH A "LEFRAK LANDSCAPING" STICKER ON IT) (I THINK THEY BORROWED FROM NORE).

ME AND MEGA PASSED THE TIME IN HIS COCAINE WHITE JEEP, CHILLING IN A BUDDHA-TYPE MEDITATION. ONE THING LEADS TO ANOTHER AND THE LAH IS PASSED (NO THANKS, WOULDN'T WANT TO TARNISH OL' OBJECTIVITY!) A BEAT TAPE IS PUMPED AND MEGA AND HIS NEPHEWS BEGIN TO TAKE PART IN A CIPHER.

DIG IT, HOT CHIP: I WAS JUST A BOY FROM SCHOOL. THESE DUDES ARE COMING OFF THE TOP OF THE MIND GRAPE ABOUT THE JOY AND PAIN OF STEPPING ON COKE AND STEPPING ON NAS' FACE.

AND THEN MEGA TOLD ME TO RHYME.

IN MY ENTIRE LIFE I'VE WRITTEN LIKE ONE BAR. I HAD FABOLOUS IN MIND. HERE IT IS:

"SHE GIVES HEAD HANDS-FREE/I CALL HER BLUETOOTH"

F-A-B! YOU CAN HAVE THAT ONE ON CONSIGNMENT, SON!

ANYWAY, TO WRAP UP THIS YEAR-LONG PIECE OF MAGICAL THINKING, I FOLDED ON THE CHANCE TO "GO IN." MONTANA SOMEHOW GOT OVER IT, I THINK SOMEONE CALLED ME "BUBBLE BOY" AND NEXT THING YOU KNOW THE VIDEO SHOOT ROLLS ON.

VIVID, RIGHT? WELL, I TELL YOU ALL THIS TO ILLUSTRATE A SIMPLE POINT:

NOT EVERYONE CAN RAP.

I BELIEVE IN AMERICA AND KEVIN GARNETT. I BELIEVE THAT HARD WORK GETS YOU PLACES. BUT IT DOESN'T GET YOU A RECORD DEAL. EVEN ON KOCH. YOU AND ME BOTH KNOW: SOME DUDES SHOULD STAY ON MUTE.

WHICH IS WHY I NEVER GET THE "I AM NOT A RAPPER" STANCE. A GUY LIKE HELL RELL AKA THE RAKIM OF THE JAIL-PHONE FREESTYLE. I USED TO THINK THAT DUDE WAS JUST AROUND TO KEEP WRITER COMPANY OR SOMETHING. BUT I KINDA LIKE HIS LAST TAPE AND HE'S PRETTY FUCKING NICE ON THAT NEW CAM SHIT. HE'S ALL LIKE, "I'M PACKING ALL THE TOAST BUT YOU HOGGING THE BUTTER!" THAT'S A FUCKING DOUBLE ENTENDRE DUDE! HE'S TALKING ABOUT HIS GUN! NOT SLICED SEVEN GRAIN! THAT, DEPENDING ON YOUR ANGLE, IS FUCKING RHYME-ART IN MOTION.

SO, AS A DEALER-TURNED-RAPPER-TURNED-LAND-BARON, CAN YOU TELL ME WHY THE FUCK HE'S LIKE, "I AM NOT A RAPPER"!? I'M NOT EVEN PARAPHRASING! HE HAS A SONG CALLED, "I AM NOT A RAPPER"!

DUN: I HAVE NEVER COPPED DRUGS FROM A DUDE WHO WAS LIKE, "YO, JUST SO YOU KNOW, I AM NOT A DEALER. I JUST DO THIS CUZ I'M NICE."

IF YOU ARE SPENDING SO MUCH OF YOUR WAKING LIFE MOVING KI'S OR IN RELL'S CASE, AR-15'S (OK, DUDE) (BTW, GUNS ARE THE NEW COKE) THEN AREN'T YOU LEAVING A LOT OF FUCKING CAKE ON THE KIDS TABLE BY RAPPING? SOMEWHERE IN BRIGHTON BEACH THERE'S A RUSSIAN GUY WITH A SUITCASE FULL ISRAELI ARMY GUNS. AND RUGER'S IN THE LAB WITH DUKE DA GOD! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!

I AM NOT A LIFEGUARD (ANYMORE) (YO, IT WAS A GOOD LOOK FOR ME). RELL CAN SWIM IN THE DEEP END OF SELF-DETERMINATION WITH NO FLOATIES. I WISH HIM WELL AND ENJOY HIS "THROW SOME D'S" FREESTYLE. BUT THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH RAPPING. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH SAYING, "I FUCKING RAP ABOUT COCAINE. IT'S ENOUGH OF A TIME COMMITMENT THAT I DON'T REALLY GET TO LOCK DOWN CORNERS ANYMORE." YOU'RE THE ONE WHO HAS TO LOOK YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR EVERYDAY. YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE AT PEACE WITH WHERE YOU PUNCH THE CLOCK. IT'S A SHORT FUCKING LIFE.