SOUTH PHILLY MOTHERFUCKERS KILL AT WILL

TO: AT THE DREAMGIRLS PREMIERE, SCREAMING, 'DEATH TO Y'ALL!'
FROM: ME AND THE BOY A.I. GOT MORE IN COMMON THAN NOT GRADUATING COLLEGE AND POSTING UP AT THE CITY LINE AVE. T.G.I.FRIDAY'S
RE: I SIT ALONE IN MY (CHARMINGLY) DIRTY ASS ROOM LISTENING TO MSTRKRFT, WEARING A BAPE GEORDI LAFORGE VISOR, HIGH ON DRUGS

or

THE PHILADELPHIA STORY








































BY THE WAY: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, RIGHT!? TOTALLY FORGOT TO CHECK IN WITH YOU. YO, HOW DID B'S TOFURKEY WORK OUT? YEAH? WELL...VEGITARIANISM IS A LIFESTYLE CHOICE.

SO, YOU KNOW HOW OLD GIRL ONCE SAID, 'WE TELL OURSELVES STORIES IN ORDER TO LIVE?' (BOOKS DOT GOOGLE...BALLIN!). WELL, YOU AND ME? WE TELL OURSELVES STORIES THAT SCREAM, 'CAN I LIVE!?' UP HIGH!
SO, HOVITO, WHY DON'T YOU GET IN YOUR RUSSELL RUSH YOGA POSE, AND COP A SPOT BY THE HEARTH. I GOT A STORY TO TELL.

FRIDAY AFTER THANKSGIVING- ME AND SOME FRIENDS WATCH THE SIXERS PUT A FUCKING BEATING ON THE BULLS, THEN WE ROLL OVER TO THIS SPOT THAT, FOR ONE GOLDEN MOMENT A FEW YEARS AGO, YOU COULD GO POST UP, HEAR 'BROOKLYN ZOO' AND THEN (YOU ARE NOT READY...) "HOUSE OF JEALOUS LOVERS" [FLEXBOMBDROPS]. I DON'T KNOW...JUST TRY TO IMAGINE PAID IN FULL MEETS DEAD POETS SOCIETY...



















NO, IT'S NOT AN ACCURATE DESCRIPTION, MANG! I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY FOR YOU TO BE THINKING OF ETHAN HAWKE AND KILLA CAM CHOPPING IT UP FOR A SECOND. WATCHOUT! I RUN NEW YORK!

POINT IS: IT WAS THE PERFECT PLACE TO ACT LIKE YOU WERE THE BEST THING TO EVER PASS THROUGH THE LONG-LEGGED LIFE OF SOME SEXUALLY CONFUSED PHILLY COLLEGE OF THE ARTS CO-ED.

BUT CHECK IT OUT, MAN OF THE YEAR...YOU CAN'T GO (TO BEANIE'S) HOME AGAIN.
THE CLIFF NOTE'S VERSION IS, I STOOD AROUND NOT GETTING DRUNK WATCHING ONE OF THE GOTTI BOYS' NEPHEWS TRYING TO DRY HUMP A WALLFLOWER WHILE THE DJ PLAYED "MY HUMPS" AND "TO HELL WITH POVERTY."

WE KEPT DRINKING TIL 12:45 IN THE MORNING. AFTER THE SHOW? IT WAS THE AFTER PARTY; ROLLING DOWN SPRING GARDEN IN MY MANS' MOMS' MAZDA LISTENING TO POWER99 COME LIVE FROM THE PALMER SOCIAL (GIRLS GET IN FREE BEFORE 11).

NOW LET'S THROW THIS BITCH IN NEUTRAL FOR A SECOND. YOU REMEMBER 2003? YOU AND DAME WERE ROLLING THROUGH PHILLY LIKE:












YOU HAD TO BE DOING TIME IN COUNTY OR JEDI MIND TRICKS TO NOT GET PUT ON. I MEAN...O AND FUCKING SPARKS!? THAT'S SOME FDR NEW DEAL SHIT RIGHT THERE!

I WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOU TRY AND PITCH THIS SHIT AS A BUSINESS PLAN IN '06, B. I MEAN YOU GOT YOUR BRAND CONSULTANT, YOUR STOCK BROKER, LA REID'S ASSISTANT; THEY'RE ALL AROUND THE ROUND TABLE AND YOU COME AT THEM WITH:

"HOMESKILLETS! I AM FINNA SIGN HALF OF PHILADELPHIA! Y'ALL FUCKIN WITH YOUNG GUNZ?! FREE!? MAC MITTENS?! THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE CHEESE WHIZ, BOOKWORMS! TAKE THAT SHIT TO THE HOUSE!"

I DON'T KNOW. I COULD SEE THAT FALLING OF THEIR FOURTH QUARTER PROJECTIONS. BUT FUCK A BUNCH OF WHITE PEOPLE, MAN. BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT THAT LITTLE ROC 4 LIFE (ER...HOLD ON) MOVEMENT DID? IT FUCKING MOVED SOME PEOPLE!

3 YEARS LATER, IN THE FRONT SEAT OF A MAZDA, SOME DUDE WHO WAS NOT COSMIC KEV FUCKING NAILGUNNED OUT ALL THE CENTRAL GOD DAMN TEXTS:

"I GOTTA HAVE IT" [BY THE WAY, THANKS FOR SHELVING PEEDI FOREVER. YOU'RE FUCKING AUTISTIC], "CAN'T STOP WON'T STOP" [ACTUALLY KINDA CORNY NOW, BUT YOU GOTTA LOOK AT THE WHOLE FUCKING TAPESTRY, SHAWN!], "FLIPSIDE" [BEST SONG OF THE LAST 20 YEARS. HEATHER MILLS MCCARTNEY CRIES HERSELF TO SLEEP AT NIGHT OVER THE FACT THAT SHE CHOSE PAUL INSTEAD OF FREEWAY. SHE'S LIKE 'POP IN TAPE! STEP ON GAS! I AIN'T EVEN GOT A LEG!' THAT'S HOW FUCKING GOOD THIS SONG IS. AMPUTEES, SON! THIS SHIT HEALS HEARTS!]. "ROC THE MIC..."IF DUDE HAD PLAYED "LINE EM UP" THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN THREE DEAD WHITE BOYS ON BROAD STREET. HE MUST'VE KNOWN THE RADIOACTIVE SUSHI HE WAS SERVING.

THE POINT OF THIS TRIP DOWN RECENT MEMORY LANE IS THIS: YOU CANNOT FUCKING MICROWAVE MOMENTS LIKE THAT. YOU CANNONT YOUTUBE THAT FEELING. YOU MAKE A MIXTAPE. YOU GIVE IT A NAME. BUT THAT SHIT HAS TO WANT TO BE SOMEHTING MORE THAN WORDS COMING OUT OF DJ ENVY'S MOUTH. YOU CAN'T A&R YOUR LABEL LIKE YOU WERE BRIAN FUCKING CASHMAN.

FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS MY BESHITTED CITY PUMPED DIESEL AND PEOPLE GOT HIGH. THESE GRIMEY MOTHERFUCKING PHILADELPHIANS MET A MAN NAMED JUST BLAZE AND THEY GEORGE BUSHED THE BUTTON. YOU CAN'T CALL A MOVEMENT 'A MOVEMENT' UNTIL SHIT STOPS SPINNING. AND THEN WHEN YOU'RE IN A MAZDA ON A GLOBALLY WARMED FRIDAY NIGHT, AND SOME DUDE UNLEASHES "FLIPSIDE" YOU KNOW THAT YOU WERE GIVEN A GIFT. THAT A MUSIC AND A CITY GOT KNOTTED, AND YOU HAD THE PLEASURE OF GETTING TANGLED THE FUCK UP.

MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS, K DOT KRINGLE. FUCK BEING NAUGHTY. FUCK BEING NICE. EVEN THOUGH WHAT WE DO IS WRONG, I GOT MY PRESENT ALREADY.