YOU'RE DEAD, SON. GET BURIED.

TO: LOST ONE
FROM: CODE NAME: FUCK GIULIANI
RE: BALLET

EPISODE FUCKING PI: A NEW HOPE. I MEAN LOOK AT THAT SHIT. NIHLISM. DEATHWISHES. YOU SONNED P. GOLF CLAP. BUT ONE THING HE'S GOT THAT YOU DON'T (AND IT REALLY IS THE ONLY THING) IS HE'S WILLING TO BE THE PUNCHLINE. HE'S OK WITH BEING A FUCKING MESS. YOU? REALLY, THE ONLY TIME I CAN THINK OF YOU GETTING PLAYED WAS WHEN GLORIA NEXTELED THE RADIO BEFORE YOU EXHALED AND CHASTISED YOUNG FOR USING MINI-NAS' THRONE AS A CONDOM RECEPTICLE.



YES, WAKEBOARD P HAS BEEN ON SOME READING THE PHONEBOOK SHIT FOR MOST OF THE CENTURY. YOU KNOW HOW SOME DUDES DO SO MUCH X IT TAKES THEM 4 SECONDS TO PROCESS SHIT? YOU KNOW, LIKE WHAT HAPPENED TO JA? RIGHT. P SORTA SEEMED LIKE THAT. LIKE SOMEWHERE INSIDE HIS HEAD WAS THIS KINDA TRENCHANT IDEA, BUT IT CAME OUT LIKE:

FRONTIN'
KILLIN' NUTTIN'
YOU NIGGAZ IS REAL GAY
SEE ME SHININ'
MAD DIAMONDS
NOW WHAT CAN I SAY?

NOT A FUCKING LOT, I GUESS! EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE HE'D POSE A EARTH-SHAKING QUERY LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS DAVE LETTERMAN SHIT ON THE LATE NIGHT?" BUT TO GET TO THAT A CONSUMER WOULD HAVE TO GET FIVE-TRACKS DEEP INTO MOTHERFUCKING INFAMY.

WHAT DUDE NEVER LOST WAS THAT FUCKING INSANE NEVER-SCARED VIBE. NOT BECAUSE HE HAD AN A-R IN HIS AUDI. IT'S BECAUSE HE PROBABLY HAS SPENT PLENTY OF NIGHTS PREFERING TO BE DEAD. AND WHEN HE WASN'T BUSY WITH THAT, IT WAS PROBABLY SOME COMBO OF SMASHING CHICKS UNDERNEATH THE HIMALAYA, GETTING BEAT UP, GETTING ROBBED, GETTING SICK AND GETTING HIGH.

LEMME TELL YOU SOMETHING, SMILEY: WHEN YOU HIT BOTTOM, GUESS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE? FUCKING FLAT. JUST LIKE PRODIGY. LIKE YOU ALWAYS KNEW IT WAS COMING. AND THERE WAS NOTHING YOU COULD DO ABOUT IT.

THE MOST VULNERABLE YOU GET IS ON SHIT LIKE "SONG CRY" OR WHATEVER WHERE YOU GIVE US A SNAPSHOT OF THE EMOTIONAL ISOLATION THAT GOES ALONG WITH SMASHING GIRLS FROM THE "I JUST WANNA LUV U" VIDEO.

THAT SHIT IS REAL TENDER. BUT YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' ON TWYLA FUCKING THARP UP THERE. P IS FOR PATHOS.

I'MA FUCK AROUND AND BARF!

TO: WHEN I COME BACK LIKE JORDAN, WEARING THE 4-5, FUCKING UP KWAME BROWN FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE AND BUILDING HOMELESS SHELTERS WITH ALL THE FUCKING BRICKS I'M PUTTING UP.
FROM: MY HAIR HURTS
RE: EVERYTHING IN ITS RIGHT PLACE



















SO LET ME ASK YOU. DID I MISS THE FUCKING MASONIC RAP ILLUMINATI MEETING WHERE WE DECIDED THAT THERE WERE REQUIREMENTS FOR THROWING SHOTS AT SOMEONE? WAS THERE A FUCKING QUORUM?

WHY THE FUCK IS KAY SLAY TELLING LIL' WAYNE HE CAN'T GET A LITTLE ORNERY WITH YOU?! YEAH, I KNOW YOU WERE IN ST. TROPEZ PLAYING PUT-PUT WITH KENNY CHESNEY OR SOME SHIT. BUT THE WORLD KEEPS TURNING EVEN WHEN YOU'RE SNORKELING.

TO SUMMARIZE: BIRDKISSER BASICALLY SAID, HIP-HOP DOESN'T NEED SAVING. YOU'RE THE GOD. BUT STAY IN THE CLOUDS. THEN HE SAID HE WAS BETTER THAN YOU.

MEANWHILE, IN MANIC RADIO PERSONALITY LAND, KAY SLAY GOES OFF SAYING OF WAYNE, "YOU DON'T HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO GO AT JAY-Z..." TO WHICH HE ADDED, "AND I'M NOT EVEN A BIG JAY-Z FAN."

PUTTING OUT THE MOTHERFUCKING STREETSWEEPER VOL. 2...THAT'S OFFICIAL LICENSE TO BRACE MOTHERFUCKERS ON INTERNET RADIO AS PART OF YOUR DAILY BREAKFAST. BUT LIL' WAYNE NEEDS TO SHUT THE FUCK UP?! OK! COOL. JUST WANTED TO IRON OUT THE ORNATE REASONING! NO DOUBT, AT THAT VERY SAME MOMENT, SOMEWHERE IN BROOKLYN, PAPOOSE SCRAPPED HIS JAY-Z DISS RECORD THAT WAS COMPOSED ENTIRELY OF FUCKING PALINDROMES.

WAYNE IS BETTER THAN YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT THAT FUCKING GOOD RIGHT NOW! YOU MUST KNOW THIS. OTHERWISE WHY WOULD YOU SPEND THE THIRD VERSE OF THE 'LOST ONES' VIDEO LOOKING LIKE YOU WERE A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL AT A SPELLING BEE!?

BUT BACK TO THE POINT: WHAT THE SHIT IS UP WITH, 'YOU HAVEN'T EARNED IT.' HIP-HOP IS ALL ABOUT SLAYING THE FUCKING FATHER! RAKIM BODIED A WHOLE FUCKING DECADE OF RAPPERS WITHOUT SAYING A SINGLE NAME!

WEEZY, WHETHER YOU THINK HE'S THE BEST RAPPER ALIVE OR NOT, HE'S MADE THE GREAT AMERICAN RAP LEAP. YOU MADE IT (DEBATABLE AS TO WHEN...VOL. 2 TO VOL.3? DYNASTY TO BLUEPRINT? WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT AT THE SPOTTED PIG LATER). GHOST MADE IT. IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT A LEAP IN TALENT OR SKILL ON SOME, YO, HOW THE FUCK IS CRAIG BIGGIO HITTING 40 HOMERS WHEN HE LOOKS LIKE LIL MAN FROM WILLOW SHIT. I AIN'T TALKING ABOUT PUTTING SOME OF THAT CREAM AND A BIT OF THAT CLEAR ON YOUR RHYMEBOOK, G. OH RIGHT, YOU DON'T WRITE. YOU RECITE. FORGOT THAT 60 MINUTES SHIT.

NAH, I'M TALKING ABOUT THE MOMENT WHEN A RAPPER BECOMES THE MOMENT (MARINATE ON THAT SHIT!). IT'S THE POINT WHERE HE UNDERSTANDS HOW GOOD HE IS, WHAT HE MEANS TO PEOPLE, BUT AT THE SAME TIME SEEMS COMPLETELY UNSHACKLED FROM ALL THAT SHIT. ID! EGO! IT'S LIKE A FUCKING CANIBUS SONG!

ALL I'M SAYING IS DON'T BE SO SENSITIVE, DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE! WHEN JAYO FELONY TOOK A SHOT AT YOU WHAT DID YOU DO? SHOVED BLEEK OUT THE BOOTH (AN UNREMARKABLE OCCURENCE, I BET) AND THREW SOME SUB ZERO SHIT HIS WAY ON "1, 2, Y'ALL." IF WAYNE WANTS TO FUCK WITH YOU, DON'T ACT LIKE HE NEEDS TO FILL OUT SOME FORM IN TRIPLICATE. HIT HIM BACK! OR DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO THE SHIT AND GO BACK TO CHECKING THE AMAZON COMMENTS FOR KINGDOM COME! BUT IF YOU PIC UP A MIC, YOU GET TO SAY YOUR PIECE. GOT TO. IT'S AMERICA, MAN.

SOUTH PHILLY MOTHERFUCKERS KILL AT WILL

TO: AT THE DREAMGIRLS PREMIERE, SCREAMING, 'DEATH TO Y'ALL!'
FROM: ME AND THE BOY A.I. GOT MORE IN COMMON THAN NOT GRADUATING COLLEGE AND POSTING UP AT THE CITY LINE AVE. T.G.I.FRIDAY'S
RE: I SIT ALONE IN MY (CHARMINGLY) DIRTY ASS ROOM LISTENING TO MSTRKRFT, WEARING A BAPE GEORDI LAFORGE VISOR, HIGH ON DRUGS

or

THE PHILADELPHIA STORY








































BY THE WAY: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, RIGHT!? TOTALLY FORGOT TO CHECK IN WITH YOU. YO, HOW DID B'S TOFURKEY WORK OUT? YEAH? WELL...VEGITARIANISM IS A LIFESTYLE CHOICE.

SO, YOU KNOW HOW OLD GIRL ONCE SAID, 'WE TELL OURSELVES STORIES IN ORDER TO LIVE?' (BOOKS DOT GOOGLE...BALLIN!). WELL, YOU AND ME? WE TELL OURSELVES STORIES THAT SCREAM, 'CAN I LIVE!?' UP HIGH!
SO, HOVITO, WHY DON'T YOU GET IN YOUR RUSSELL RUSH YOGA POSE, AND COP A SPOT BY THE HEARTH. I GOT A STORY TO TELL.

FRIDAY AFTER THANKSGIVING- ME AND SOME FRIENDS WATCH THE SIXERS PUT A FUCKING BEATING ON THE BULLS, THEN WE ROLL OVER TO THIS SPOT THAT, FOR ONE GOLDEN MOMENT A FEW YEARS AGO, YOU COULD GO POST UP, HEAR 'BROOKLYN ZOO' AND THEN (YOU ARE NOT READY...) "HOUSE OF JEALOUS LOVERS" [FLEXBOMBDROPS]. I DON'T KNOW...JUST TRY TO IMAGINE PAID IN FULL MEETS DEAD POETS SOCIETY...



















NO, IT'S NOT AN ACCURATE DESCRIPTION, MANG! I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY FOR YOU TO BE THINKING OF ETHAN HAWKE AND KILLA CAM CHOPPING IT UP FOR A SECOND. WATCHOUT! I RUN NEW YORK!

POINT IS: IT WAS THE PERFECT PLACE TO ACT LIKE YOU WERE THE BEST THING TO EVER PASS THROUGH THE LONG-LEGGED LIFE OF SOME SEXUALLY CONFUSED PHILLY COLLEGE OF THE ARTS CO-ED.

BUT CHECK IT OUT, MAN OF THE YEAR...YOU CAN'T GO (TO BEANIE'S) HOME AGAIN.
THE CLIFF NOTE'S VERSION IS, I STOOD AROUND NOT GETTING DRUNK WATCHING ONE OF THE GOTTI BOYS' NEPHEWS TRYING TO DRY HUMP A WALLFLOWER WHILE THE DJ PLAYED "MY HUMPS" AND "TO HELL WITH POVERTY."

WE KEPT DRINKING TIL 12:45 IN THE MORNING. AFTER THE SHOW? IT WAS THE AFTER PARTY; ROLLING DOWN SPRING GARDEN IN MY MANS' MOMS' MAZDA LISTENING TO POWER99 COME LIVE FROM THE PALMER SOCIAL (GIRLS GET IN FREE BEFORE 11).

NOW LET'S THROW THIS BITCH IN NEUTRAL FOR A SECOND. YOU REMEMBER 2003? YOU AND DAME WERE ROLLING THROUGH PHILLY LIKE:












YOU HAD TO BE DOING TIME IN COUNTY OR JEDI MIND TRICKS TO NOT GET PUT ON. I MEAN...O AND FUCKING SPARKS!? THAT'S SOME FDR NEW DEAL SHIT RIGHT THERE!

I WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOU TRY AND PITCH THIS SHIT AS A BUSINESS PLAN IN '06, B. I MEAN YOU GOT YOUR BRAND CONSULTANT, YOUR STOCK BROKER, LA REID'S ASSISTANT; THEY'RE ALL AROUND THE ROUND TABLE AND YOU COME AT THEM WITH:

"HOMESKILLETS! I AM FINNA SIGN HALF OF PHILADELPHIA! Y'ALL FUCKIN WITH YOUNG GUNZ?! FREE!? MAC MITTENS?! THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE CHEESE WHIZ, BOOKWORMS! TAKE THAT SHIT TO THE HOUSE!"

I DON'T KNOW. I COULD SEE THAT FALLING OF THEIR FOURTH QUARTER PROJECTIONS. BUT FUCK A BUNCH OF WHITE PEOPLE, MAN. BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT THAT LITTLE ROC 4 LIFE (ER...HOLD ON) MOVEMENT DID? IT FUCKING MOVED SOME PEOPLE!

3 YEARS LATER, IN THE FRONT SEAT OF A MAZDA, SOME DUDE WHO WAS NOT COSMIC KEV FUCKING NAILGUNNED OUT ALL THE CENTRAL GOD DAMN TEXTS:

"I GOTTA HAVE IT" [BY THE WAY, THANKS FOR SHELVING PEEDI FOREVER. YOU'RE FUCKING AUTISTIC], "CAN'T STOP WON'T STOP" [ACTUALLY KINDA CORNY NOW, BUT YOU GOTTA LOOK AT THE WHOLE FUCKING TAPESTRY, SHAWN!], "FLIPSIDE" [BEST SONG OF THE LAST 20 YEARS. HEATHER MILLS MCCARTNEY CRIES HERSELF TO SLEEP AT NIGHT OVER THE FACT THAT SHE CHOSE PAUL INSTEAD OF FREEWAY. SHE'S LIKE 'POP IN TAPE! STEP ON GAS! I AIN'T EVEN GOT A LEG!' THAT'S HOW FUCKING GOOD THIS SONG IS. AMPUTEES, SON! THIS SHIT HEALS HEARTS!]. "ROC THE MIC..."IF DUDE HAD PLAYED "LINE EM UP" THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN THREE DEAD WHITE BOYS ON BROAD STREET. HE MUST'VE KNOWN THE RADIOACTIVE SUSHI HE WAS SERVING.

THE POINT OF THIS TRIP DOWN RECENT MEMORY LANE IS THIS: YOU CANNOT FUCKING MICROWAVE MOMENTS LIKE THAT. YOU CANNONT YOUTUBE THAT FEELING. YOU MAKE A MIXTAPE. YOU GIVE IT A NAME. BUT THAT SHIT HAS TO WANT TO BE SOMEHTING MORE THAN WORDS COMING OUT OF DJ ENVY'S MOUTH. YOU CAN'T A&R YOUR LABEL LIKE YOU WERE BRIAN FUCKING CASHMAN.

FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS MY BESHITTED CITY PUMPED DIESEL AND PEOPLE GOT HIGH. THESE GRIMEY MOTHERFUCKING PHILADELPHIANS MET A MAN NAMED JUST BLAZE AND THEY GEORGE BUSHED THE BUTTON. YOU CAN'T CALL A MOVEMENT 'A MOVEMENT' UNTIL SHIT STOPS SPINNING. AND THEN WHEN YOU'RE IN A MAZDA ON A GLOBALLY WARMED FRIDAY NIGHT, AND SOME DUDE UNLEASHES "FLIPSIDE" YOU KNOW THAT YOU WERE GIVEN A GIFT. THAT A MUSIC AND A CITY GOT KNOTTED, AND YOU HAD THE PLEASURE OF GETTING TANGLED THE FUCK UP.

MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS, K DOT KRINGLE. FUCK BEING NAUGHTY. FUCK BEING NICE. EVEN THOUGH WHAT WE DO IS WRONG, I GOT MY PRESENT ALREADY.