YOU'RE DEAD, SON. GET BURIED.

TO: LOST ONE
FROM: CODE NAME: FUCK GIULIANI
RE: BALLET

EPISODE FUCKING PI: A NEW HOPE. I MEAN LOOK AT THAT SHIT. NIHLISM. DEATHWISHES. YOU SONNED P. GOLF CLAP. BUT ONE THING HE'S GOT THAT YOU DON'T (AND IT REALLY IS THE ONLY THING) IS HE'S WILLING TO BE THE PUNCHLINE. HE'S OK WITH BEING A FUCKING MESS. YOU? REALLY, THE ONLY TIME I CAN THINK OF YOU GETTING PLAYED WAS WHEN GLORIA NEXTELED THE RADIO BEFORE YOU EXHALED AND CHASTISED YOUNG FOR USING MINI-NAS' THRONE AS A CONDOM RECEPTICLE.



YES, WAKEBOARD P HAS BEEN ON SOME READING THE PHONEBOOK SHIT FOR MOST OF THE CENTURY. YOU KNOW HOW SOME DUDES DO SO MUCH X IT TAKES THEM 4 SECONDS TO PROCESS SHIT? YOU KNOW, LIKE WHAT HAPPENED TO JA? RIGHT. P SORTA SEEMED LIKE THAT. LIKE SOMEWHERE INSIDE HIS HEAD WAS THIS KINDA TRENCHANT IDEA, BUT IT CAME OUT LIKE:

FRONTIN'
KILLIN' NUTTIN'
YOU NIGGAZ IS REAL GAY
SEE ME SHININ'
MAD DIAMONDS
NOW WHAT CAN I SAY?

NOT A FUCKING LOT, I GUESS! EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE HE'D POSE A EARTH-SHAKING QUERY LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS DAVE LETTERMAN SHIT ON THE LATE NIGHT?" BUT TO GET TO THAT A CONSUMER WOULD HAVE TO GET FIVE-TRACKS DEEP INTO MOTHERFUCKING INFAMY.

WHAT DUDE NEVER LOST WAS THAT FUCKING INSANE NEVER-SCARED VIBE. NOT BECAUSE HE HAD AN A-R IN HIS AUDI. IT'S BECAUSE HE PROBABLY HAS SPENT PLENTY OF NIGHTS PREFERING TO BE DEAD. AND WHEN HE WASN'T BUSY WITH THAT, IT WAS PROBABLY SOME COMBO OF SMASHING CHICKS UNDERNEATH THE HIMALAYA, GETTING BEAT UP, GETTING ROBBED, GETTING SICK AND GETTING HIGH.

LEMME TELL YOU SOMETHING, SMILEY: WHEN YOU HIT BOTTOM, GUESS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE? FUCKING FLAT. JUST LIKE PRODIGY. LIKE YOU ALWAYS KNEW IT WAS COMING. AND THERE WAS NOTHING YOU COULD DO ABOUT IT.

THE MOST VULNERABLE YOU GET IS ON SHIT LIKE "SONG CRY" OR WHATEVER WHERE YOU GIVE US A SNAPSHOT OF THE EMOTIONAL ISOLATION THAT GOES ALONG WITH SMASHING GIRLS FROM THE "I JUST WANNA LUV U" VIDEO.

THAT SHIT IS REAL TENDER. BUT YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' ON TWYLA FUCKING THARP UP THERE. P IS FOR PATHOS.