RELEASE WHAT'S IN ME

TO: TRIBECA CO-OP CONDO HALLWAY LOITERER
FROM: WITNESS FROM HIS FOLKS PAD
RE: THE THINGS WE CARRY

















Dame (l) and Biggs (r), Big Pimpin video shoot, 2000


REMEMBER WHEN BIGGS' DOG PISSED ON YOUR MAN'S LEG? I THINK THAT WAS RUDY. HOLY FUCKING FLYING LOL'S! AND REMEMBER WHEN VALENCIA'S BOYFRIEND HAD YOU MAKING MOVES!? THAT IS WHAT WE CALL A WATERSHED MOMENT, DOMENICA! AW SHIT, I'LL TAKE IT THERE: REMEMBER WHEN HIP-HOP DIDN'T HAVE NO MOTHERFUCKING SEAT ON HIS BICYCLE!? THE FUCKING HUMANITY!

MAN, FUCK A BAHAMAVENTION. WHEN US "30-IS-THE-NEW-20" KIDS NEED CALGON TO TAKE US AWAY WE STAYS ON GOLDEN POND! IN 20 YEARS WE'LL PROBABLY BE LIVING IN THE BIGGEST PROVINCE IN CHINA, BUT WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE OUR MEMORIES! UNTIL WE DON'T! FEEL ME!?

FUCK IT. LET'S CANDY-PAINT THE SLED A NICE SEPIA-TONE. CHECK THE RHIME, ANCIENT MARINER: THE OTHER DAY I WAS -- AS WHITE FOLKS ARE PRONE TO DO FROM TIME TO TIME -- LISTENING TO TRIBE.


















I THINK PEOPLE THINK THAT PEOPLE LISTEN TO TRIBE BECAUSE IT INCUBATES SOME LONG-LOST NOTIONS OF A LIFE MORE BOHEMIAN. ROCKING JEAN SHORTS AND CROSS COLORS. BACKPACKS WHEN BACKPACKS WERE BACKPACKS. PRETENDING TO LISTEN LEE MORGAN ALBUMS.

BUT I SMOKED THOSE LEE MORGAN ALBUMS, DUKE. WORD TO GATOR PURIFY.













MAMA, I'M SO SORRY. I DIDN'T LEAVE MY WALLET ANYWHERE. I GO BACK BECAUSE THOSE DUDES WERE MORE OR LESS THE SAME AGE AS ME, MAKING MUSIC ABOUT MORE OR LESS THE KIND OF LIFE I WAS LEADING (GIRLS, TROUBLE, BOREDOM: MIDDLE CLASS WHITE BOY DIVISION). HOW BOUT THAT SYNERGY!?

THERE'S LOTSA WAYS TO TAKE IT BACK. OUT ON THE ROAD TODAY, I SAW A MURDER INC. STICKER ON AN ESCALADE. FOR A SPLIT SECOND I STOPPED THINKING ABOUT YAO MING'S BURGEONING MUSTACHE AND THREE WORDS CAME TO MIND: "POV" "CITY" "ANTHEM."




SO THERE'S THAT. THE FLASH IN THE BRAIN PAN TYPE SHIT.

BUT MAKING A MOTHERFUCKER NOSTALGIC AND MAKING A MOTHERFUCKER PAY ATTENTION ISN'T THE SAME THING.

IT DOESN'T COME FROM RATTLING OFF THE CONTENTS OF A FUCKING TIME CAPSULE. LAKIM SHABBAZZ, DOOKIE CHAINS, DECEPTICONS! LA GEARS, GARBAGE PAIL KIDS, T-SHIRTS WHERE THE BASKETBALL PLAYERS HAD SMALL BODIES AND BIG ASS HEADS, FLUFFY COKE! WHATEVER!

I THINK YOU ONLY GET A SMALL WINDOW OF TIME WHERE YOU CAN RE-CAPTURE A LOST MOMENT. WHEN YOU START, YOUR RHYMEBOOK IS A SLAVE TO YOUR WORLD. YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE IT ALL FIT. YOU'RE TRYING TO GET YOUR BONA FIDES RIGHT.

BUT THEN GOD (OR WHATEVER) MAYBE GRANTS YOU A MOMENT OF CLARITY. A POINT WHEN YOU'RE CLOSE ENOUGH TO YOUR TRAINING DAYS TO REMEMBER DETAILS BUT FAR ENOUGH AWAY NOT TO CHANGE THEM TO FIT YOUR PERSONA...

WHEN AVENUES HAD THE WHOLE TERRITORY. BILLY HAD THE RED BENZ DOOR OPEN.



PUSHING THROUGH THE PARK EVEN THOUGH IT'S DARK.

WATCHING CEILING FANS GO AROUND. TRYING TO CATCH A FEELING. THE 86 ON THE WAY TO DECATUR.

YOU CAN UNDERSTAND WHY I'M IN REWIND-MODE, RIGHT? COME ON, BILLY BEANE! YOU SIGNED NAS! THAT KID IS NOSTALGIC FOR COOKING CLASSES KELIS HASN'T EVEN MADE HIM TAKE YET!

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THE MAYOR OF MEMORY LANE UNDERSTANDS? THE TRUTH IS IN WHAT HAPPENED, HOW IT HAPPENED; NOT HOW IT FELT, NOT HOW IT FEELS.

THE ART OF STORYTELLING OR MEMOIRS IN BARS. WHAT'S THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE? YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY REMEMBER HOW SOMETHING FELT AT THE TIME BECAUSE FEELINGS, WHATEVER THE FUCK THOSE ARE, ARE FLUID. YOU CAN CON ME WITH THAT. I'M A SUCKER.

BUT THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TRUE STORIES AND TRUE STORYTELLING. AND PEOPLE CAN SNIFF OUT HOW MUCH YOU STEP ON THAT SHIT.

NASIR KNEW HOW TO LISTEN. HE KNEW HOW TO WATCH. PEEP THE JEWELS; EVEN BETTER THAN GOLD.

TANISHA HAD A BLONDE CEASAR. SHE SPORTED VITTADINI. SHE TALKED TO THE IRISH D THEY CALLED RAMBO WHO KEPT HER IN A HAZE. SHE STARTED TO DISSOLVE LIKE COTTON CANDY IN A STARVING MOUTH. THEY BOTH DIED WITH THE SHADES DRAWN.





THE STREETS WERE BLOCKED OFF FOR THE BLOCK PARTY. GAMBLING IN THE BACK. FRANK PULLED FIRST. KILLA LET OFF. FRANK CAME BACK WITH MUSCLE, THE GUN SLINGER, PIERRE. HE CAUGHT ONE AND DIED FROM INTERNAL BLEEDING.

HOW IT HAPPENED? WHAT HE SAW? DOESN'T MATTER. BUT THE ONLY FEELING HE TALKS ABOUT IS THE ONE HE FELT IN THE AIR.

I REMEMBER LIZ GOLD'S HAND GOING DOWN THE FRONT OF MY BUGLE BOYS AT SOME CHICK'S BAT MITVAH. I REMEMBER DROPPING A THROW TO THE PLATE AND FAKING A KNEE INJURY WHEN SOME FUCKER FROM GERMANTOWN WENT CHARLIE HUSTLE INTO HOME. I REMEMBER MARNIE PALIGOW'S FACE WHEN SHE SAW ME CHEATING OFF HER CHEM MIDTERM. SHE HAD ACNE. IT WAS PROBABLY THE FIRST TIME I PAID ANY ATTENTION TO HER IN 4 YEARS.

I REMEMBER OUR PRINCIPAL TELLING US NOT TO GO THE GALLERY OR SPACEPORT WHEN THE RODNEY KING VERDICT WAS HANDED DOWN. SHE TOLD US TO GO HOME. IT MEANT SOMETHING DIFFERENT TO ME THAN IT DID TO MY FRIENDS.

I REMEMBER THAT MONDAY. WILSON GOODE BOMBED THE M.O.V.E. HOUSE. I WAS JUST A KID. I KNEW OTHERS WHO HAD TO EVACUATE THEIR HOUSES. I WATCHED IT FROM ACROSS THE SCHUYLKILL RIVER. MAYBE IT'S EASIER TO REMEMBER WHEN YOU EXPERIENCED IT FROM A DISTANCE.




WATCHING FROM WINDOWS MAKES IT EASY TO REMEMBER.





OH, YOU? I GUESS YOU PUT IT IN ORDER. YOU ALWAYS DO. OTHERWISE IT'S TOO MUCH, RIGHT?

PEOPLE: ANNIE DRESSED YOU. ERIC MADE YOU TOUGH.

PLACES: MARCY RAISED YOU. EAST TRENTON GREW YOU.

THE THINGS THAT SURROUNDED YOU: FAMILY, DRUGS, WORDS, CASH.

HOW IT FELT? ONLY YOU COULD POSSIBLY KNOW. UNDERNEATH IT ALL, I THINK AT SOME POINT, YOU HAD TO CHOOSE AMONGST THEM. THIS IS THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN SAY IT.